Frozen Peas

On a blistery, scrotum-shrinking day about 2 years ago, I pulled up to the doctors office for a vasectomy consultation. I rode up the elevator with another nervous looking dude. We both sat, hands clasped protectively over our privates in the waiting room for our respective doctors to call us in. Our turns came and we parted ways. My doctor, despite the service he performed, seemed like a nice enough guy. After inspecting my plumbing, (which had managed to retreat even further by somehow turning inward on itself,) he announced that my vasectomy would be a relatively simple procedure.

"Twenty minutes tops,” he declared with confidence.
“Will it hurt?”
“The local is administered by a shot. You won’t feel more than a pin prick.” (In the scrotum, not the testicle.)
“How long will I be on my back?”
“The first few days I don’t want you to do much of anything but ice yourself and take it easy. A bag of frozen vegetables works well.” (Many doctors suggest having the procedure on a Thursday or Friday so you have the weekend to recover. An even better suggestion is to pick a Thursday or Friday before some good sporting events.)
“Once the deed is done, will my plumbing produce something besides number 1?”
“Yes, sperm is only 3% of the ejaculation. The other 97% is various fluids stored in the prostate.”
“And it won’t feel any different when it happens?”
“No.”

I thanked the doctor for his time, told him I’d seriously consider his kind offer of sterilization, and hurried quickly from the room. I rode back down in the elevator with the same guy I came up with. “Did you do it?” he asked. “I did.” I’m not sure what I replied. All I remember thinking was that this guy had some serious gonads. In the ten or fifteen minutes that I was asking questions, this dude had done the deed, right there in the doctors office. (Many doctors will forgo the formality of an operating room. A vasectomy is considered relatively simple.) The last I saw of my sterilized friend, his hot wife picked him up in his Mercedes and they drove off into the sunset. Now, who knows for sure whether this guy is regretting his decision, but 97% of men who’ve had vasectomies are happy about it. Since my consultation, I’ve had ample time to further educate myself about them. Here’s what I’ve learned, broken down in bite sized bits.

YOUR BALLS. A DELICATE SUBJECT.

Look, I know how difficult the thought of sterilization is. Just thinking about it has made me wince for the last couple of years. But here’s an even more agonizing thought. 30% of married couples experiences an unwanted pregnancy. 30% freakin’ percent! Now I don’t know about you, but my cup already runneth over just between work and mopping the pee off the back of my kids toilet. Another kid? Sure, as long as it comes with a lobotomy. So, if that stat moves you, here’s two questions you should consider before you move any closer to the idea of a vasectomy. 1) What if something happens to one of your children and you want to father more down the road? 2) What happens if you and your wife split up and you want to start a family with a new partner?

SPERMSICLE.

Yes, freezing your sperm is the simple answer to those questions.
Yes, I sat in a cold, antiseptic room, on a cold, cheap looking chair, in front of a cheap looking TV.
Yes, I followed directions and covered the cheap, cold looking chair with plastic to protect it from dribbles.
Yes, I selected from one of the 5 adult videos they offered. Which was about as erotic as an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
Yes, I contorted my wiener to catch my sperm in a jar the size of a tea-cup, while two nurses waited patiently and sympathetically 20 feet outside the door.
Yes, when I was done, I had to hand the woman the jar for weighing (which I’d like to believe was brimming over with my manhood, but which in fact, was no more than the dribble they wanted to protect their chair from.)
And no, I don’t regret the experience. Because it’s peace of mind, in case either of the two horrible scenarios I mentioned above comes to fruition. The place I used was called California Cryobank in Palo Alto. (650) 324-1900, www.cryobank.com. A quick Google search under Sperm Storage will turn up numerous results near you. The entire delightful process, plus 3 years of storage cost $1,200 (not covered under insurance.)

SCALPEL + TESTILE + INEXPERIENCE = DEEP SHIT.

Ok, this is pretty obvious. But it needs to be stated nonetheless. If you’re going to let some guy wave a scalpel at your nuts, he’d better know what he’s doing. Because a vasectomy is a relatively easy procedure, doctors generally only have to perform a few of them before they’re considered competent. So here’s some advice- ask him how many he’s done. As a general rule, if it's less then 15 or 20, keep looking. If he tells you he’s performed hundreds of perfect vasectomies, that doesn’t mean he’s going to do yours. He may be planning on letting someone on the trainee medical staff do it. Doctors have to get experience somewhere. But no one says it has to be on your privates. Speaking of which. If privacy is important to you, ask the doctor who will be in the room when it all goes down. A nurse? A male orderly? High school sex ed students on a field trip? If you don’t ask, you’ll never have the chance to say, “hell no.”

YOUR LAST LIVE ROUND.

The doctor, or the male orderly, or whoever you’ve agreed ahead of time to do your surgery, will need a clear field of vision. This means no hair. So instead of letting someone who doesn’t care about your privates like you do, take a whack at them, do it yourself ahead of time. Just make sure when you’re in for the consultation, that you ask what areas need to be hairless. And then don’t shave more than necessary. Because the hair growing back part sucks. Also, don’t shave with an electric razor. It can cause a rash. And regardless of how many bags of frozen vegetables you use, a rash on top of a vasectomy is a pain in the butt and elsewhere. Lest I forget the title of this section, doctors suggest celebrating the moment by squeezing off one last, live round. According to numerous doctors, it helps you prepare mentally for the procedure. Amen to that.

NICE VAS.

Unless you’re some kind of weirdo, you said yes to anesthesia. Just like the guy I mentioned in the very beginning of this entry, you’ll want to make sure you have your wife waiting to pick you up physically, as well as mentally. Doctors say that 9% of vasectomy patients experience some kind of depression afterwards. Fortunately, this can be cured by a hug, alcohol, football, and your vas deferens. That’s the part the doctor cuts. Lots of dudes ask to take it home as a souvenir. Seriously. Last, but certainly not least, please, please remember you AREN’T sperm free until you’ve had at least two shots, 6 weeks apart analyzed under a microscope. During your consultation, ask your doctor where EXACTLY, you should be taking them. You don’t want to be standing around a busy waiting room, late for work with a jar of semen in your hands. Or maybe you do. Everyone’s different.

Until next time, stay strong brothers.

Footnote: Many of you are probably wondering whether I've had my vasectomy yet. The answer is no. Because quite simply, I've been a wussy. But I’m over it. In fact, I scheduled a vasectomy for this May the 15th. Equally exciting, I’ll be documenting every glorious detail (with video), every step of the way. Yes, this includes the procedure. What better way for all you dudes out there considering frozen peas, to get educated? Anyway, much, much more on this later.

For more information, I found the following websites fairly educational: http://www.vasectomy-information.com/ http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/vasectomy-14387

Video games. Crack, or harmless convenience?

Not sure about you. But my wife and I constantly debate whether we should be letting our kids play video games. I know, it's super convenient. Gives you invaluable time to do stuff like mop pee off the back of the toilet, or vacuum french fries out of the car seats. But is it good for your kids little, warped brains? Actually, it's not as bad as you might think. Check this out:

http://www.raisesmartkid.com/3-to-6-years-old/4-articles/34-the-good-and-bad-effects-of-video-games